The Worst Green Lantern Ever
by El Destroyer
Summary: If I, Strea Barra, had the responsibility of protecting my space sector, I'd screw it up almost imediatly.


**Why I, Strea Barra, would make the worst Green Lantern in the history of Green Lanterns.**

The dark bedroom was illuminated only by the green glow given off by the woman Mathew was in bed with. She was a being constructed entirely out of Lantern energy, more of a hardlight holograph then and actual person. Suddenly, she flickered out of existence, and Mathew sat in the dark, alone.

"Aww, what the _hell,_ man?" Mathew whined. His ring was flashing, and he raised it to his face. "What's the problem this time?" He asked into the ring.

"Power at 27%" The Lantern Ring said, in the voice of Christopher Walken. Mathew had set that preference because it was funny. "Also, terrorists have hijacked a plane."

"Oh, are they Islamic Terrorists?" Mathew asked.

"On the radio transmission, when they gave their demands, They had french accents." The ring said.

"Yeah, but French people can convert to Islam." Mathew said.

"Well, true, but they didn't demand that any members of Al Queda or The Taliban be set free, so I don't thi-"

"Listen, Ring, your job isn't to think, " Mathew said. "That's my job, the sentient life form who emits the emotions that power you. Your job is to create forcefields and stuff. Now create a forcefield around my body so that I can fly."

"Okay, but I need recharging. You spent twelve hours straight with that projection. Can't you just mate with a real human woman? this is the middle of Los Angeles, after all."

"Yeah yeah yeah." Mathew said, not wanting to bring his terrible ways with woman into this. He picked up the Lantern Battery, and put the ring up to it. "Darkest day, brightest night, blah blah blah, Green Lantern's light!" In a green flash, he was wearing a skin light Green Lantern uniform, with no mask or sleeves. A green aura flared up around him, and he was off.

Miles about the clouds, the stolen plane flew through the sky, driven by crazy french terrorists.  
Mathew zoomed in and stood in it's path. He raised his hand like a cop directing traffic, and said "Stop right there, terr-"  
He was interrupted by the plane crashing headlong into him. The ring thickened the forcefeild a split second before impact, protecting him. Mathew went through the cockpit, and the rest of the plane, like a bullet through a banana. he went out the other end.  
"-orists, or face my... what just happened?"

"They didn't stop." The ring explained. "Fortunately, the terrorists are dead."

"Cool."

Unfortunately, we just destroyed the cockpit, and the plane is plummeting to the ground."

"Not cool." Mathew said, and chased after the runaway plane.  
He left a trail of green light as he zoomed around the plane, and came to the wing. He dug his fingers into the metal, trying to get a good grip, and tried to pull up. Instead of stopping the plane, he ripped the metal plating off like a sheet wrapping paper at Christmas. He floated in the sky for a moment, holding the piece of twisted metal, before throwing it away.

"RING! I can't stop it with my bare hands!" Mathew exclaimed. "But what if... Ring, the energy I'm wrapped in, the energy holding me up..."

"Yes?"

"If I wrapped energy around the plane, I could stop it from hitting the ground, right?"

"I don't see why you're asking me this." The ring said. "You used a similar technique to get the wallet out of that man's back pocket last week."

"Yeah, but this is on a much bigger scale." Mathew said, and a beam of green light sprang from his ring, covering the plane in a film of green energy. It came to a sudden stop in mid air, just a mile over the surface of the ocean.

"HELL YES!" Mathew exclaimed. "How many people did I just save?"

"None." Answered the ring. "Everyone aboard the vessel just died."

"What? How?" Mathew asked in shock. He dropped the plane into the water.

"When the plane suddenly stopped, the excess momentum caused everyone inside to be splattered across the front of the plane." The Ring explained in grisly detail.

"What? Weren't they wearing the seat belts?" Mathew asked.

"For the few people who were, the sudden stop made the belts slice them in half." The Ring said.

"Weeellllllllll fuck." Mathew said, and sat down on a chair of green energy floating in the sky. A green stage appeared, with a green firepole in the very middle.

"What are you doing?" the ring asked.

"What does it look like I'm doing?" Mathew asked as a glowing green woman appeared on the stage. "I'm relaxing."


End file.
